Living with Labels

Have you ever gone to a social gathering or family event and gotten reminded of who people have decided you are? Maybe you brought a horrible dish to the potluck 8 years ago, and everyone still acts reluctant to eat what you bring every year, even though everything you've brought since has been wonderful. Now you're "not a great cook," and instead of compliments on your tasty food, people feign surprise that you pulled off something decent. Maybe you took the wrong exit on your way to pick up family from the airport one time, and now you'll forever be the one who "always gets lost." Maybe you had a horrible day once, lost your shit, and yelled at your kid in front of people for doing the same thing you had been nicely asking them not to do all day, and now you're the "angry mom" even though you rarely yell at your kids. Sometimes the labels we get slapped with are accurate, but when they aren't, and we know they aren't, it can be downright infuriating.

In the past, I would really get worked up over how I would deal with this when I knew I'd be hanging out with certain people who commonly stuck a label on me and made me feel like I had to wear it around like a scarlet letter the entire time I was around them. I'd spend an embarrassing amount of time trying to think of witty comebacks I'd use when one of these people would try to make me feel small enough to fit into the little box they created for me. Of course, the time would come for me to "let 'em have it," and, in my natural passive-aggressive nature, I'd say nothing, usually smile along with the "joke" or comment, and be pissed at myself for letting them do this to me AGAIN or I'd end up flustered and trying to defend myself. So it always ended up that I would let anyone who slapped a label on me crawl right under my skin and hang out there. Not awesome.

Now, though, I've figured out how to ask myself a few questions that make it much easier for me to rarely, if ever, have anyone under my skin, and it's great! My age has definitely helped me here because now that I'm in my mid-forties, I don't feel required to keep people in my life that cause me more stress than joy like I did when I was younger, but these questions should be helpful no matter your age.

The first question: Who's in your boat. I wrote an entire blog post on this topic that you should read if you have a minute, but I'll give you the quick and simple version here.

I tell you that there will be a massive flood and the only way to get to safety is a boat. I have the only boat that holds 11 people, and I give it to you (because I'm nice) and tell you that you must save yourself and 10 people of your choosing. Who's on your boat? Now, don't overthink this. You are the only person who will ever know who's on your boat. Give yourself 30 seconds and make a list of the people you'd save (metaphorically because there's no actual flood). In the blog post on this topic, I go into greater detail and explain different variables to the boat question, so I encourage you to read it here. The biggest thing to note is that the people in your boat should only be people you want on your boat. If you're struggling because 10 people feels impossible and you can't choose who to save, then bump your boat size up to 20 people, but no more.

These 10-20 people are the people you value the most in your life (if you honestly put them in your boat because you wanted them there) and have the emotional energy for. So when that someone with that damn label maker starts frustrating you, ask yourself if they're on your boat.

If no, then putting some space between you and that person is probably okay. Ask yourself why they didn't make it into your boat in the first place. How often do you spend time with them? Do you enjoy or dread seeing them? Here's the thing: you're not required to spend time with adult people who make you feel small or less than, no matter who they are (yeah, even family). And you don't have to announce changes in the status of your relationship with people. You can silently create space. So if you're at a gathering and this person is there, you can avoid them without being rude or making a big deal of it. If they walk up and start talking to you (or a group), keep your time in the conversation short. If they start in with the label, unemotionally excuse yourself from the conversation. It can seem weird at first, but deciding to create space from someone doesn't mean that you hate them or that they're a bad person. You can still love these people and have them in your life but on your terms. I personally have stopped spending time with people who aren't in my boat and who have put shitty labels on me. If I run into them, I get to actually enjoy seeing them for 3 minutes because they no longer have unlimited access to me and the underside of my skin. If these people ever sense that you've become distant and it bothers them, maybe they'll ask you about it, and you can choose to either tell them or not, depending on how much energy you want to invest in that relationship.

What if this person is in my boat? What can make these labels so hurtful is the assumed intention behind them, so now ask yourself what you believe this person's intentions are when they make the labeling remarks about you? Do you believe they're trying to hurt you? Do you think they're even aware that they're upsetting you? If you don't think so, try looking at their hurtful statements through the lens of their intention. It truly can take all of the power out of those statements if you let it. If, however, you DO believe this person has ill or hurtful intentions, then you might want to reconsider that person's passenger status on your boat.

If their good intentions don't take the sting out of the label they keep handing you, my advice would be to talk to them. They made it into your boat for a reason (hopefully because you value and love them and them you), and that is worth having a conversation, even if it's a little uncomfortable.

I know that life and relationships can be so much more complicated than what can be resolved with a blog post, but I truly hope you've found this helpful. Please comment, and if you'd like more help working through problems in a personal relationship, you can schedule a complimentary session with me here.