The One Where Why Trying Harder Was Hurting My Marriage

Hi there, friends,

I hope you’re staying warm, wherever you are in the world. It’s was cold here in Michigan this winter, that’s for sure! I always feel bad for my husband when the weather is extreme, because he is a lineman and works outside. It can be brutal at times, and I can’t imagine doing that work without whining about it all day (and probably quitting because it’s too hard). But he’s been doing it for over 30 years with few complaints.

About a month ago, when the temps were below zero, he would come home exhausted (the cold takes it out of him), but he still shoveled the deck and walkway because he didn’t want me to stand in the snow when I take our pups outside. And he walked all the way down our long driveway to get the mail for me because I had ordered nail polish that I didn’t want to freeze.

As I watched him walk in the blizzardy snow to get my nail polish, I realized that there was a time when I didn’t appreciate him like I do now. And I don’t think he would have gone out of his way for me like he does now, either. 

I thought about how much has changed in the past 5 years of our nearly 24-year marriage. I can’t imagine it being the way it used to be ever again. Granted, it wasn’t horrible, but it was disconnected. It felt like there was a wall between us, and I just couldn’t “reach” him. He always kept me emotionally at arm’s length. 

In my many conversations with women since I started coaching them in their marriages, I’ve realized that my situation wasn’t at all uncommon. So many women are in a marriage in which they can’t quite close the emotional gap. They try (like I tried). They talk, they ask, they beg, they cry, and eventually, they get pissed, feeling unheard and unseen by their husbands, no matter what they do. They want connection, communication, and affection without having to beg for it. 

What I didn’t understand back then, and most women also don’t see, is that pushing harder for what you want doesn’t work. The more you push, the more he backs away. The whole dynamic must shift for real change to happen. 

The beautiful thing I also learned was that I could shift things all on my own. I didn’t need him to do anything. I started with small things, like noticing when I was about to correct, or “help” him, and I’d zip my lips. As a recovering “woman who likes things done my way” and “mother of my husband”, this was super tough. But refraining from letting him know how he could do things better, by itself, was huge. And he noticed. 

I also started expressing appreciation for the things he did. Not in a big-deal kind of way, but just in small moments. Thanking him for shoveling the deck, for example. Many of these things were things that needed to happen, so thanking him seemed weird at first. But I’d make an effort to notice the nice or helpful things he was doing (instead of what he was doing wrong), and show him appreciation. 

Showing appreciation without score-keeping (comparing how often he thanked me to how often I thanked him) was important. I do plenty too, but I made a point to be appreciative regardless of how appreciative he was to me. And, in a short time, he had joined in my little mission without even knowing it, and was thanking me for everything, which was really nice. 

You may be in a place in your marriage where doing these things is the last thing you feel like doing. I know that for many women, there’s a lot of hurt and resentment lingering. I get it, AND if you want to stay in your marriage, you have to start somewhere. Someone in your marriage has to be willing to break the current cycle, so why not you?

Just doing these two things alone shifted things so much. He started to become warmer toward me. He started doing things he knew would make me happy. I remember the day when he told me how good it made him feel to know how much I appreciated him. I didn’t realize how much that meant to him, but it’s a big deal to most men, I’ve learned. 

I was so relieved because this was proof that I could improve my marriage. Because I was doing it! Day by day, things kept improving, and today, I have the marriage I always dreamed about. And hey, it’s not perfect, but it's so, so good. That’s why I started coaching women to help them shift their own marriages. You have more power than you think to turn things around. I’m proof, and if I can do it, so can you!

So I’m curious; do you feel an emotional gap between you and your husband? What things have you tried to “fix” it? What’s worked, and what hasn’t? 

Would you be willing to try not “helping” him as I’ve described above? How about showing him appreciation? 

I’d truly like to know! 

Comment below, and fill me in.