The One Where You Let Him

Hello, friends,

We’ve had an exciting few months here. Our youngest daughter, Scout, is a welder, and she beat 7 men for one welding position at SpaceX in Texas. We are so proud of her!

She’s never lived more than an hour from home, so having her live across the country has been a new challenge. I think there was a time when, even though she’s grown, and this is a wonderful opportunity for her, I would have tried to stop her from being so far away. My fear of what could go wrong would have been the only thought on my mind. I would have felt better if I had some control. Looking back, that kind of handling of the people I love wasn’t my best look.  Thankfully, I’ve learned to let go of what’s not in my control, and can wish her the best while I deal with my “mom” feelings on my own.

I’d love to say that my daughter was the only person I tried (and usually failed) to control. My poor husband got a fair amount of mothering from me as well. And let’s just face it, being a mother and a lover to the same person is a sour mix. I’m sure no man has been eager to jump into bed and get spicy (or even mildly affectionate) with a woman who just gave him a TedTalk about proper loading of the dishwasher. You can’t be his woman and his keeper. Well, not successfully, anyway.

If you’ve read or heard of Mel Robbins’ book, The Let Them Theory, then you might be familiar with what I’m about to tell you today. My marital version of this is “Let Him”, but it follows a lot of what Mel talks about in her book. I also refer to this as “stay in your lane”. 

Letting him means letting him be who he is, and allowing that to be enough. The world is harsh. We get judged and criticized by people everywhere. Our own marriage shouldn’t be a place where we must also deal with that. We should both get to be ourselves, AND still be loved. 

Letting him means letting him grow and change into a different person than the one you met. Actually, it means encouraging him to grow. We aren’t meant to stay stagnant in this life. Allowing someone to change and grow, and still standing by their side while they do, is such a wonderful act of love. 

Letting him means letting him make mistakes, because he’s human. No one is perfect. You’re not perfect. How wonderful it would be to be a human who can show up imperfectly and it still be okay with the person who chose to do life with you? That sounds pretty great. So be that person for your husband.

Now, very often someone will say, “Why should I do these things for him when I don’t get them in return”? And the answer is always the same: because you can. Scorekeeping will kill a marriage. You didn’t marry this person to compete with them, did you? I would hope that you decided to marry your husband because you loved him, and had dreams of doing life together. Stepping up for the love you have or want to rekindle, rather than bitching about what’s not fair, is a hero move.

Letting him means not trying to fix, control, or “mother” him. It’s letting him load the dishwasher wrong (winches), and know the world will not end. Yes, it’s hard to let go of control, but having an amazing connection with my husband feels way better than controlling everything. I promise, at the end of your life, you will not think back to how the dishes were loaded. But you will remember all of those moments you had with the man you love. You’ve gotta let shit go. 

In letting him be who he is, imperfectly, and without having to please you, you’re staying in your lane, which, honestly, is really the only lane you can truly be in anyway. Trying to crowd everyone else’s lane actually causes friction and resentment. They don’t want you in their lanes, and I promise, you’ll be happier if you can master (for the most part, it’s a practice) staying in yours. 

And, I must add, letting him does not mean accepting behavior or treatment that you’ve deemed a “deal-breaker” or that you are not safe or comfortable with. I think the term “unconditional love” gets tossed around a lot, but if we’re honest, there are usually conditions. If your husband is physically violent toward you, you don’t have to let him. Chronic cheating, emotional abuse, etc. You get my drift. You are always the master of your own ship, and you get to decide what is allowable for you.

With that said, one can get caught up in the patterns of dysfunction, arguing, and disconnection, and those can feel like deal-breakers. But try not to get the big stuff confused with the annoying, tiring, and chronically resentful stuff that can show up in a marriage that’s not been well tended to for a long time. Make sure you know what these things are for you.

I’m curious where your mind goes when you consider what I’ve said here. Do you go into scorekeeping? Do you see where you’ve not been “letting him”? Or do you think you’ve got this area pretty well nailed down? Do you have questions?

Comment below and let me know! I’m always curious to hear how women feel about my input and how it fits (or doesn’t) into their marriage.